....The Hell Was I Thinking?

Hahahaha. Reading some of my posts below and laughing at myself. I was experiencing such an overwhelming feeling of unrest that I was ready to do ANYTHING to change the game! Going to school for dental hygeine?! I mean it really wasn't so out of the question but anyone that knows me knows that I can't STAND school. I love to learn but I hate the work that goes along with it. I guess that makes me lazy but at least I have the desire to enlighten and uplift myself, so as to not be the same woman today that I was yesterday. I'll read up on things that I feel I should know more about like the electoral college or the housing market or some shit.

But shit....dental hygeine? Joke's on you bitch.

Semi-Charmed Kinda Life

I say this every time I come back here but I swear I'm gonna start blogging more often!! But in the meantime....

Dating is frustrating.

You meet a guy, through a mutual friend, work, pumpin gas on New York Ave., or through a social network. Pick your poison.

So you and said Sir hit it off. GREAT conversation, similar interests, and, lest we forget, the ever-important mutual physical attraction. Every night you tell yourself: "Just chill out. Don't over-analyze it, let it flow. Don't have any expectations...whatever is meant to be will be." But lo and behold, what happens? You catch feelings for Sir. And why wouldn't you? He's intelligent, articulate, carries himself in a respectable manner, and overall seems like a decent guy. A hot commodity, because you and every other woman with an I.Q. higher than a Barbie knows his type is hard to come by. He knows it too. But in this case, that's not even the issue.

The issue is, it just isn't there. Or shall we say, he's just not THAT into you. Yeah you all had your fun, a few good times, but that's it. Nobody's done anything wrong to any body else, and you had the good sense not to have sex with him. It just didn't work out. It sucks, yes, but you lick your wounds, pick yourself up, and get on with your life.

And the vicious cycle continues.

THEN, you've got your raggedy ass ex tryna weasel his tired ass back into your life. Or the not-so-raggedy ex tryna make his comeback like Jordan wearin the 4-5, willing and ready to give you everything you wanted and needed while you were together. And being the intelligent and ever-evolving woman that you are, you've grown since then. You want more. You need more. You deserve more. So neither one of those are the look you're going for. But the look you are trying to achieve, the ideal ensemble, isn't available in your size! You can't win for losing!

But as frustrating as this process may be, I refuse to give up. I believe each one of these men have come into my life for a reason, of course. The MEN. Not the boys that invite me out on my birthday to the bar, but not to buy me a drink (Let's not and say we did, okay?). Or the the ones that steal a pair of jeans from the mall. Nigga....YOU'RE 24!!! If you can't afford them, that's fine. But STEALING CLOTHES with two sources of income and 6 years of college under your belt (maybe that's the problem)?! FUCK OUTTA HERE!!

*Ahem*

I digress.

Like I was saying, I know each one has been placed to teach me and help me grow to become a better woman....COOL! But dammit can yall devise a new lesson plan?? Cuz this shit is getting real old, real quick!

I bet you think this post is about you....don't you? DON'T YOU?!

MISSED ME?!

Wishing I had the motivation to keep up with this thing like I should! Updates:

QUIT THE COLLECTIONS AGENCY!!! That job stressed me out like no other....collections is DRAINING. Besides getting cussed out everyday, several times a day, it was hard for me to press people out for money they didn't have. Now of course there must be a sense of ownership and accountability you must have in creating debt, but I can't very well hold you accountable for financial hardship when times are hard for most. And having people cry in your ear was the worst!! That definitely wasn't the industry for me.

So now I work for Comcast, basically doing billing and customer service, something I'm good at. Took a slight pay cut but as I learned with the collections agency, it's not ALWAYS about money. But I am making it up by saving in gas money cuz I'm closer to home, and of course FREE CABLE!!! Plus I'll be making GOOD commission. So I'm a pretty happy frikkin camper.

I TURNED 25 ON FEBRUARY 3RD!!! I'M A GROWN UP NOW!!!!

Comcast will be the first step to me owning my first home. The official goal is Summer 2012. Whether I stay in my current position or another I plan on staying with Comcast for the next few years and milking these discounts for all they're worth! So keep me in your prayers!!

Hopefully I'll be back sooner than later....*BESOS*

Real Quick

I was supposed to have been in the shower 20 minutes ago.

I miss you guys! I haven't been feeling very inspired lately.

I hate my job.

I left the bank (which I hated), to work in collections (which I think I hate more). As mean as I can be at times I don't think ANYone deserves to get cussed out on the daily. And yes, I knew what I was getting into before I came on board, but damn. It's not just that though. Some of my coworkers who have been there way longer seem just as unhappy. They've been in the industry way longer but there's so much BS with my particular company, I wouldn't be surprised to not see a coworker or two come back. It's very draining.

But with that said once again I'm on the job hunt. I took a few career aptitude tests online last night (and woke up to a few pieces of junk mail--oh joy), and one recommended I go into business. Business what? Regardless, not interested. The other recommended retail/hospitality. I did Victoria's Secret for two years. I went back for a quick buck Black Friday '08...in my Dave Chappelle voice...."MMMM NEVER AGAIN!" But hospitality....now that's a possibility. Hotel, that is, can't go back to food service, which apparently falls into that category. We'll see. I'll look into it. For now, Career Builder and USAJOBS are my current best friends.

Aight maybe I should go get in the shower. BESOS!

Update

I haven't written in a long time. I honestly don't have shit to write about but I am bored as HELL at work.

Lately I've been reading multiple blogs, Tweets, and Facebook statuses and I am frightened by the outlook young Black people have on relationships and their views of the opposite sex. Let me tell you now, this post is gonna be jumping all over the place, so bear with me.

Apparently relationships are a game, not to be taken seriously when it comes to reciprocity, respect, and honesty. It's more like "Screw you over before you can do it to me." Many in our generation (and the generations before us) have the belief that EVERYONE cheats. Man, woman, it doesn't matter.

FUCK. THAT.

I would NEVER, COULD never do that to someone I love. Even if I DIDN'T love his ass, you best believe I'm leaving him before I cheat on him. Why be with someone if my feelings aren't strong enough to respect him and our relationship? Fuck being comfortable. I don't believe in being with someone if my feelings are lukewarm and I'd rather spend time alone than be with that person. Fuckalldat, take ya ass on.

So with that said, NO, I'm not cheating on my significant other. That's gon be my baby, my ace boon boom pow, my #1, n all that other mushy shit. But it's evident that many of my colleagues and counterparts don't feel the same way. Ladies using men for money and material things, men using women for sex and calling them out their names. Now none of this is new but that doesn't make any of it less disheartening.

Pardon me for being a HOPELESS romantic. Now don't get me wrong, I'm also a realist and know that no relationship will ever be perfect, but with that kind of attitude and mindset any relationship is destined to fail. In no way do I think every encounter or date I have could be the beginning of my wildest dream coming true, but shit everyone's gonna get the benefit of the doubt.

Ugh. I don't even feel like talking about this anymore. Maybe I'll revisit the topic later. Right now it's actually depressing me. ANYWAY....UPDATE time.

-FINALLY GOT MY CAR!!! Woohoooooo....her name is Purple Reign and she's a 2000 Honda Civic LX. I've scratched her hubcaps several times. LOL. Gettin better tho.

My car makes me feel like....a natural woman. Like no shit. Not gonna get into a bunch of detail and have a whole therapy session but catching that bus made me feel....you know?? Anyway, glad she's here, my number one bitch :0)

-Hopefully I'll have a new job soon. Being mobile opens up SO many more options for me job-wise and it's way beyond time for me to get up out that bank. The devil greets me at the door everyday.

-Hopefully in January I'll be starting school to become a dental hygienist. Yeah that may be a communications degree down the drain but that industry (particularly radio) just lost its appeal to me about a year or so before graduation. I'm gonna try and take some tests before enrollment to see if I can figure out my "dream" in order to not waste money but....as my mother said, my "dream" may not be in the workforce. She worked in order to retire, not because it was something she wanted to do. I might be the same way and if that's the case, I'll be okay with that. But at least let my job/career be something I can make good money in.

-I'm dating a guy. I like him. He's tall and funny and smart.

-I haven't watched "Fresh Prince"" in a while. That makes me sad.

TaTa for now!

The Evolution of MeMe

Haha whack right?

In the last year and a half or so I've been through A LOT. Nothin dramatic, just a lot of life changing occurrences. I graduated from Morgan, which was bittersweet. I love my school more than half of you will ever know. It is there I grew up and became a woman. But I will forever credit MSU for molding me into the person I am today.

The closer I got to graduation, the more sense some things made. I think the biggest one of all was learning how to let go of any and everything that did nothing but held me down or held me back. One was the "injustices" or wrongs I felt had been committed against me. As the time approached for me to walk across that stage, more and more I just kept thinking, "What's the point?" What's the point in holding on to hard feelings and negativity towards people who I may never see again? Or people that I could potentially be missing out on as great motivational life forces in my life? And it felt so good to let go. I could actually feel the weight being lifted off my shoulders, it was amazing.

But at the same time I was embracing some people, I realized it was time for me to let others go. And what got me the most was that it didn't really hurt much at all. What did it say about me and my feelings for those people? It didn't take me long to realize that the sun had set on those friendships well before I learned that I had to let go. In order for me to grow and evolve I had to let go of those that were not moving in the same direction as I. My priorities had changed. I was no longer a college student, but a college graduate. I had rent and bills and STUDENT LOANS that were now my life, not parties and who's doing what. And it was so damn IRRITATING to watch these people concern themselves with the affairs of others, especially when all of theirs were not in order. Some didn't understand and misjudged me for it, saying I thought I was better than others because I now had a degree and blah Blah BLAH. Are you serious?! For 7 months after graduating I was still waiting tables! And even now I'm still not exactly utilizing my degree, although it does help ;-) But no really this is what you think of me? Fine. I'll keep working on getting myself out of debt and making something of myself while you....what is it that you're doing again?

Haha that was rude. But no seriously, why attach myself to people of that nature? More negativity that serves no purpose but to eat at me alive. Especially when I'm having such a hard time trying to figure out exactly what it is that I want to do and be. Look at me talking all my shit without an answer to the questions that only I have the answers to. But I'm okay with that. I want to teach, I want to write, I want to do anything that'll help give me the definition that I'm looking for. That's what my 20s are for right? RIGHT?!

Anyway, just another random rant, something to get off my chest to hopefully propel me further into the right direction (whatever that may be) and confirm that I'm going about my life in the right way (whichever way that may be).

Me vs. McNair

Now I know the title already made some of y'all mad. Let me start off by saying it is/was an unfortunate situation for Mr. McNair and his wife and children. I do not think he deserved to die at the hands of his mistress. It is never a good situation when one man's fate is decided at the hands of another. Not much for following the career of anyone outside of the Washington Redskins, I don't know about his skill on the field or what he did for the community, but I'm sure he was loved and respected by many, in and outside of his professional life.

NOW, with that said, it is also unfortunate that the last thing this man will be remembered for is cheating on his wife and being killed by his mistress. His children will grow up without their father, and when people ask what happened, they'll have to again face the agony of everything they're going through right now.

But what really grinds my gears is how people (translate: MEN) are blaming WOMEN for being crazy. "Now I definitely aint gettin married cuz yall women are crazy." Ummmmmmmmmm....WTF?! NO, if you men didn't always fuck everything that walks and didn't treat your jumpoffs like wifey, then don't you think some people wouldn't have the problems that they do now?

I understand many young men aren't ready for serious relationships, which is why many steer clear of them. And that's the reason why I also tend to avoid relationships at this stage in my life. I'm ready to be a good woman to a deserving man, but I'm going to let him find me. Until then, I'm staying away from men with hang-ups or who don't seem to have themselves together.

But anyway, I'm disgusted by the amount of men so ready to point the finger at women and our "instabilities". I KNOW not all of us are 100% there. I'm well aware of that fact. But how bout you all take some ownership? Have some accountability. YOU laid down with that girl. YOU, somehow, someway, made her feel like she was all that mattered in the world to you, and now YOU want to blame her for her erratic behavior?

I will right here, right now take accountability for MYSELF. I KNOW I am not always the nicest person you may know. I know my moods can flip flop one minute to the next. But I'm claiming that because I know who I am. So I KNOW, for a fact, that I will never let a man bring me to the point where I am contemplating on killing him, myself, or doing anything else that will cost me my freedom. Because I also have a firm grasp on reality, and know that men come like busses, every 15 minutes. Some may take longer to come around than others, but you know that eventually, it will be there. But some of you fail to understand that the majority of us women have that grasp on reality, and ain't gonna be trippin off you and your overinflated ego. NOT THE CASE! Get your head out of your own fucking ass and realize that the reality of the situation is there will ALWAYS be someone better than you. Ladies you need to wake up and smell the coffee too. Someone who will treat you better, who will open your door, who will pay the whole bill, and someone who won't need you to continuously stroke their ego because they'll be man enough to know exactly how much of a man they are.

I know I was all over the place with this one but I just had to let some things out. Men stop blaming women and their crazy behavior when you aint shit. And women please realize when a man aint shit and leave his ass alone, or else he will bring you down with him.

Vent

Ugh. So this morning I'm getting ready for work and I go to heat up my iron. Now normally, the indicator continually blinks on standby, but not today.

"Oh shit."

So I'm tryin all the different plugs on the powerstrip, EVEN THOUGH everything else is working fine. I go to the bathroom, try the plug in there. Nothing.

"FUCK!"

I call my best friend to see if she can help a sista out and let me come use her iron but she's already out the door. So I weigh my options...3 pairs of slacks, all wrinkled beyond recognition...or a pink flower dress I got from Old Navy that no matter what, never looks wrinkled.

Dress it is.

But of course with this being MY life, shit couldn't just end there.

As I am moving in two days, my apartment is in shambles, bags boxes and clothes everywhere. I had actually packed the Old Navy dress away for Goodwill. Because I haven't worn it in a good 3-4 years so I was sure it no longer fit but was still in great condition. Why not give it to someone less fortunate?

So of course the dress was at the BOTTOM of the bag. I find it, and of course, the dress that NEVER wrinkles has a few good ones, but no biggie, they can be worked with. So I go to pull the dress over my head, struggle to find the arm holes cuz the dress is a little tight on my size 7 frame. I'm tugging at the dress and for the life of me, can NOT get it past my boobs.

DOUBLE U TEE EFF?!

Then I realize one of the "arm holes" is actually the side zipper. Whew. So I get myself together, put my arm in the right hole but can't zip it up all the way.

"SONOFABITCH!!!"

Let me paint you all a picture real quick. It's already after 8:05 (so that makes me late), I have no central a/c, and it's already 70 degrees outside. Now that may seem like nothing to you, but my heart started pumping fast and furious when I realized my iron had died. So I'm HEATED, in every sense of the word.

But I know that real G's have to make sacrifices. So I pull on my brown Ralph Lauren cardigan (to cover up the half-mast zipper), pull my sleeves up, slip on my brown flats and grab my brown-and-pink multi-colored Vera Bradley purse, and head out the door.

This damn dress is so tight I can hardly breathe. Definitely shows my tummy I try so hard to suck in everyday. I can't breathe too hard for fear it'll rip in half, a la The Hulk. It keeps riding up in the back so it makes me look like I got the stank booty walk when that's hardly the case. When I sit down it rides halfway up my thighs so it gives all the Baltimore pervs on the bus a nice little peep show. But dammit I got the whole day to get through, so fuck it.

Fuck you iron, for burning me on Saturday and dying on Monday. The same thing happens to bees. So what does that say about you? BEETCH!!

Fuck you dress, for not gaining material where my body gained pounds.

Fuck you Baltimore pervs. Although you'd probably like that. Ew.

Fuck all three of yall, yall aint shit.

And I still made it to work on time.

The Great Unknown

Mmmkaayyy, so you see at the top of the page where it says "The Random Makings of Me"? Y'all didn't think I was playing did you?! LOL because as thoughts come they're going HERE, you know, whatever's too much or too heavy for Facebook and Twitter. So one of the things that's been at the forefront of my mind lately (well everyday) is......

MY FUTURE!!!!

And it's some scary shit. Not seriously, I'm getting to a point in my life where I'm looking to the next plateau in my life and what are the most important things for me to achieve and blah blah BLAH, and I am frikkin petrified. So this is all the shiz that's running through my mind and stressin me the hell out:

#1: FINANCIAL FREEDOM! You see, I was one of those dumbasses in college that thought "Okay, I'll open up one credit card, and since I have a steady income (Victoria's Secret, *scoff*) I can pay it off no problem!" Well funnily enough, I signed up for that VS card before I actually was offered the position, but I knew I was gonna get that job. Anyway, following that card came Express. And I mean why not! I got 20% off because I worked at Victoria's Secret. Followed by The Gap. Because I fukkin LOVE The Gap. They have some pretty nice over-priced shit. That was all in less than 3 months of each other. Then for some reason I thought a credit card through Bank of America was a bright idea. Followed by a Sidekick. Next thing you know I was paying bills and credit card balances on a $25o bi-weekly salary and spending way more than I was earning. I eventually paid off The Gap and Express and closed them (bad idea), but 5 jobs later I'm still paying for mistakes I made in 2006! And I'm trying to make moves like....

#2: BUYING A HOUSE! If I wasn't in such dire financial straits all of my money would be going into a mortgage and maintenance of my first home! Because the market sucks so bad right now I could have gotten a STEAL on one of these foreclosed or dilapidated homes, fixed it up, and turning a profit as we speak! I'm hoping to get myself together and by 2011 be ready to purchase my first home! Hopefully rates will still be decent by then....a Catch-22 if we're out of this recession by then, the rates won't be as good but maybe I'll be able to afford a 12.5% 30-year mortgage (or whatever) *keeps fingers crossed*.

#3: GRAD SCHOOL! Okay, for those who don't know me I HATE SCHOOL!!!

Don't get me wrong, I love gettin brain (hehe) but I HATE homework! My current career goal (cuz it damn sure ain't being a bank teller) is to be an elementary school teacher. I love the bebes, but I went to school for communications studies/radio production. Soooo yeah, I need to become qualified to teach the youngins. And I don't plan on teaching them ProTools or about stop sets or none of that shiz, so I want to get my master's in early childhood education. So y'all keep me in your prayers cuz that's the only way I'll be able to make it through...that and a picture of Souljah Boy taped to my wall (he makes money but the boy lacks guidance).

#4: BECOME A WIFE AND MOTHER: Some of my friends think I have no heart. That I'm dead inside. But I really want to be someone's wife and later the mother of their children. Though I have no time or age limit, I'm getting to the point where I want someone that loves and compliments me and we both want a family. And more importantly, I know I deserve all of these things...in due time of course :0)

Baby fever though....I dunno if it's cuz my best friend is delivering my goddaughter within the next 3 weeks, or if it's cuz it's Baby Week on Discovery Health, or because I've always loved babies but I want one! CALM DOWN, I'm not gonna go around and TRY to get pregnant cuz I can barely afford myself but motherhood is indeed my ultimate goal.

Uuhhh I guess that's really all I wanted to say. Writing it out has calmed my nerves.....for now.

Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man

Okaayyy so I know I'm a little late but I finally read Steve Harvey's "Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man":

.....GOOD SHIT! LOL I know much of what he said should be common sense for every grown woman, but the man drops some knowledge. Much of which I already knew, but I got a much better understanding of some things that had me stumped at times. But here are what I feel were the most important and useful points of the book (in my Cliffnotes version, lol):

**Unless he feels like he has established himself as a man, he's not going to establish you as his woman. If he's really the one you want to be with, sit your ass down til it's your turn! Don't try to force him into anything because he'll resent you for it, and honestly, if he's a real man, he won't stand for it. Get a man with goals, short-term and long-term. If he doesn't even have his short-term figured out ain't NO WAY you're going to be incorporated into his long-term.

**Men are simple creatures. Minimalists that thrive off of basic male necessities. Ladies, you know how we say the smallest things make us happy? The same thing goes for him! As Mr. Dave Chappelle says, "Make him a sandwich, play with his balls, and don't talk so much!" LMFAO no ladies I'm just kidding.

However, I must also add that just because you want a man with goals and a plan doesn't mean jump on the first man that comes along! Ladies let's set our standards high and expect the man we want to reach for the bar and go above and beyond. We've all got too much going for ourselves to settle for less than the best. And as friends we need to keep reminding each other how great we really are.

I cannot and will not get into all that he had to say but he did indeed give me validation and why I don't regret being single since 2004. Some men just ain't ready for it! LOL (but no seriously), this has also given me time to grow and mature as woman into the person I want myself to be...to quote (don't judge me) Souljah Boy: "Be yourself, everybody else is already taken."

Seriously though ladies, it's a good read! It's not a man telling you how to live your life, it's a man offering some insight to a man's mind and how to handle certain situations. You're not obligated to take his advice. But don't say you weren't warned when he takes your cookie and runs and you wondering why his number don't work no mo'.

STAMP.

My First Blog

Doing the thing I said I would NEVER do....writing my own blog! Who gives a flying fukk what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling at any given point of the day?! (This question could also apply to Facebook and Twitter, both of which I am a faithful servant.) But shit everyone else does it so why not me too?! So let's start with introductions...

The Black Mamba is one of Africa's most dangerous and feared snakes, known for being very aggresive when disturbed or confronted and will not hesitate to strike with deadly precision (damn, sounds VERY familiar). The largest venomous snake in Africa, and also the fastest land snake in the world, but uses its speed to escape danger rather than catch prey.

NOW, with all that said, I am NO snake! LOL I'm fiercely loyal to my friends and defend them to the death, but will be the first to admit I sometimes don't know what to say out my mouth (with tact, anyway). Dah, well!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

This blog will just be random musings, hopefully mainly pointless thoughts and feelings. I'm no great intellectual thinker (educated, but no Aristotle), and tend to reach for my future before I fully solidify my present....I'm working on it all tho! You'll probably stop reading my blog once you realize there ain't much going on here but this is all just for fun for me so.....stick a paintball gun up your ass and fire if you don't like it!